The Way I Feel

so things have been going great... i haven't been happier than i have been in these past 3 months. well... until this past week. i don't know what has gotten into me... actually i do. i hate feeling like this though... feeling so alone and helpless and stupid. i hate why i feel this way... and i hate the people that have something to do with this. i'm so tired of feeling this way... i want it to stop. i keep trying to make it go away... to make the people go away... to make this pain go away.
i know that i'll never let the people who this is towards see this... but i need to write it down... say it... get it out... and this is the only place that i can do that.


i hate what you did to me
it's like everything you ever said to me were lies
i confided in you
you knew more about me than i knew myself
you told me that you'd always be there
and that i could always trust you
well where did that go
what happened to the friendship
to the caring
where are you now
where were you when i really needed you
what did i do to deserve this treatment
i didn't think i ever hurt you
and if i did
i am sorry
too bad you don't feel the same
and to think
i used to care what you thought
i wanted to know your opinions
i thought that somehow i mattered to you
but i guess i was just being foolish
naive
why did i pour out my heart to you
and think that you would hold on
to all of the little drops
that fell into your hands
i almost wish that i could take it all back
all the words i said to you
all of the tears i cried
all of the moments that i waited
and all of the memories i have of you
you have made me miserable
you said that you would never hurt me
but you should never make promises
that you can't keep
what does any of this matter though
it won't make any difference
you're happy now
i guess you weren't when i was around
i'm just sorry that i have to be in so much pain
and that i still have to care
when i don't think you ever did

:D

http://www.clocklink.com/clocks/9002E-Blue.swf?TimeZone=GMT-0400&From=2006,2,7,21,00,00&Title=I Have Been Compete" width="288" height="18" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash">

So Happy!

okay... so i know that this is a total change from what i've been writing and from what i've been feeling lately... but that's beacuse something completely incredible happened.
i don't want to sound like i'm stupid or crazy or something... because i know that a lot of this blog has been me complaining about how much my heart has been hurting for ryan.... but my heart hasn't felt this good.. well i don't ever remember my heart feeling this good.
see.. i was talking to dusty last night.... and i was complaining how matt was trying to hook me up with some friend of his, jeremy... and how i didn't want matt ot do that beacuse i was interested in someone else. this of course sparked dusty's curiousity, and when i wouldn't tell him he told me that he would just have to be sad and wonder, and that i would just have to wonder too, because he wouldn't tell me who he liked. this of course drove me nuts as well... beacuse then i was curious. "curiousity killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back" came up... and he tried to convince me that by giving him the satisfaction of knowing who i was interested in would save a kitty. after we made more jokes about saving the kitty... we decided that if he told me who he liked... that i would tell him. so he told me that he likes me, and i didn't know what to say, because i wasn't really expecting that... because i like him. then he told me that he wanted to tell me the night before, but he didn't and when he came back online i had already left. so after it was out in the open that we liked each other he was like, so where do we go from here? will you go out with me? i guess that's the right question. my response, was yes... i will, definately!
so here i am... a day later... and still completely excited out of my mind. it was so incredible... it's like my heart became so full again, and the pain and bitterness that i had towards ryan were just swept completely away.
it's so amazing how God works... how his timing is always so perfect. i had been struggling with relationship stuff for a long time... and i kept trying different things to fix it... but nothing ever worked. i knew that in order for anything to be fixed, i had to let God take the wheel and take control of my heart completely. i struggled with this a lot and caused myself more pain then before. eventually, i broke down, and i gave it over to God, let him deal with my heart, because he knows better than i ever will what i need in my life. well... it wasn't very long after... few days, maybe a week... and then i talk to dusty about it... and no we are together. it almost makes me wish that i let God handle it a long time before... but then it just wouldn't have been the right time.
i can't describe how happy i am right now. it's so out of my character that i am this happy... but i love the way it feels.
i can see it in my eyes... the deep pain and hurt you could see in my eyes has been replaced with a sparkle of happiness... i really hope this lasts.

Empty...

i feel completely empty and broken inside.
i wouldn't even be able to count the number of tears that have left my eyes in even the last few days.... and so many more have fallen in the weeks leading up until now.
i feel like my heart was finally starting to recover a bit... and now it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown to the ground and walked all over. -sigh- i'm so tired of having this happen to me.
i wish that i could be happy for him... for them... but right now i feel as though i will never be able to be happy... not for them... not for anything.
i had been struggling about what to do with the whole ryan thing lately... i wanted to be able to tell him how i felt... because the feelinds have been there now for a few years and i can't seem to make them go away.... but i knew that it was just too soon. i didn't want it to get back to kris... because i knowthat she would be completely crushed... and over these last few months, kris and i have finally become close again. i didn't want to mess that up. besides... i still thought that it was too soon after kris and ryan had broken up for me to pursue anything with him anyway. well... it seems as though i have completely missed my chance yet again. because now ryan is with tracey. once again... my heart had betrayed me... and once again... my heart still feels for ryan... the one that i've loved the longest and the deepest... and the one that i will never have love me back the same way.
i want to be happy for them... i love tracey... she's my "auntie tracey"... but at the same time i love ryan... and it kills me to know that they are together. and it would be bad enough if their relationship was only hurting me... but it's killing kris as well. i hate that he hurt her by getting together with tracey... and i hate that it hurts me... and i hate it all. kris has confinded in me... and i understand her pain... i understand more than she could ever know.
as much as it hurts me i can't make my heart stop feeling for ryan... and i can't make my mind stop drifting to him... but i have to keep hiding it... no matter how hard it is for me.... he's so happy right now... and even though it hurts me.... i can't bear to cause him pain... he's been through enough.
you can't imagine how much i just want to be selfish... to say that i have loved him longer, that it should be my turn to be happy for once... but i can't.... nobody cares how long that i've loved him... and what makes me any more deserving of happiness than anyone else out there.
i just wish that i didn't hurt so bad.
i long for this pain to go away... but it seems that every night... the pain gets stronger. i feel sick thinking about it... i can feel my heart beat so strongly... it feels as though my heart is going to pound straight out of my chest... i can feel my heart like a lump in my throat... it just won't go away. i've tried to make it go away... i've tried everything that i could think of... and now i'm just left with the battle scars... physically and emotionally. i can't believe that there are any tears left for me to cry.
i hate it... i feel jealous... he is one of my best friends... he means everything to me... and now that he has tracey... i've been completely tossed aside... like i mean nothing to him anymore. we used to talk... about anything and everything... and now it's like he doesn't even have the time of day for me. in such a short time... it seems that he has changed so much... maye it is me that has really changed. maybe it is that we have both changed... whatever it is... i wish i could fix it.
i am alone... and even if i'm not.. i feel like i am. i feel alone, abandoned, completely in the dark.... i only want a way out... but the simple things are not helping me... i feel so empty.... so broken... so tired...
♪ i know it's hurting you but it's killing me ♪

A New Year

so... i was hoping this being a new year and all... that it would be better... so far.... i am wrong. and it's only 2 days in so far.
well... tomorrow is going to suck.... it will be exactly a year tomorrow since a good friend of mine was killed. i miss her a lot... and going back to school on that day... just isn't going to be easy.
lets see.... the guy that i've been in love with for like... 2 and a half to 3 years... i was planning on telling him this year... and then i found out that a friend of mine i likes someone... and the way she talks about him all the time... i'm pretty sure that we both like the same person. blah. i don't know what to do. as if the whole thing wasn't hard enough for me... but then this other girl gets thrown into the mix too. i mean... i've loved him a long time... shouldn't i be the one to get the chance to do something about it first?.... but she seems happy liking him... and she deserves to be happy too.... i mean... what makes me more worthy of being happy? blah. i just want to be happy... and i dunno... i'm tired of waiting for happiness.. and for him.... i don't want to be lonely anymore. i mean... i also don't want to mess things up... he's my best and closest friend.
why oh why does everything have to be so complicated?

Mixed emotion

i don't really know what to think anymore... no idea how to feel, how to act.... i wrote this in french class today...

It seems like everyday these feelings get stronger
The emptiness in my heart becomes more apparent
I can't seem to shake your memory from my mind
I can't forget you no matter how hard I try
But at the same time I don't want to forget you
Because that would hurt even more
I'm sure that you'll forget me though
There's nothing that I want more
Than just to have you be my side
But I don't think that will ever happen
I've always loved you so much
But you'll never love me the same

Will It Ever Go Away?

this is a poem i wrote on december 7th..... fun day... would have been my parents anniversary if they were still together.... my ex's birthday... and exactly one week until my birthday. anyway...

The darkness keeps closing in on me
Nothing that I do seems to help
I just keep wandering farther away
Walking deeper into the darkness
I've become so lost
I don't know how
I'll ever find my way out
Will this darkness ever go away?

The hurt I feel grows stronger
It attacks both my mind and my heart
Before I have any time to heal
Once again I am stricken down
Thrown to the ground
And left alone
Broken to pieces
Will this pain ever go away?

The tears never stop flowing down
My eyes are always burning and bloodshot
From the tears that fall
My vision is clouded by a steady stream of water
Will these tears ever go away?

My mind won't stop racing
The tears won't stop falling
My heart won't stop hurting
My world just keeps spinning out of control
I'm still so lost
And I still feel so alone
Will any of this ever go away?

Conclusions

i've come to some conclusions....

i'm sick and tired of being sad. i hate that i'm depressed all the time... and that if i am even the slightest bit happy someone always seems to manage bringing me crashing back down again.

i'm done with depending on anyone. whenever i depend on anyone to do anything... i always get let down... i always end up being disappointed because things don't work out... or that people just don't ever do the things they say they will.

i wish you could just kill feeling altogether. i'm tired of my heart hurting, and i'm tired of being in love with somebody that i'm sure will never end up loving me in the same way. i know he loves me... he's told me that he does... it just isn't in more than one way.... like i love him... everyway possible.

i'm tired of being alone and lonely. i'm so fed up with being around people all the time but still feeling alone. i'm tired of just wishing that people would be happy with me the way i am and quit trying to change that. is there really something all that wrong with the way i am?

i'm just so tired of life.

What's a wonderwall anyway?

so... i was listening to this song by travis, called writing to reach you, and there was a line in it that said " the radio is playing all the usual and what's a wonderwall anyway? " this got me to thinking... what is a wonderwall? i mean... there's the song that almost everyone knows, by oasis, but has anybody questioned what it actually is. i looked for a definition or two, and came up with a couple.

1. Something or someone that is always interesting. For instance, when you lay in bed at night, you can stare at your wall and begin to notice all the little details that you wouldnt have notice otherwise. A wonderwall reflects your greatest thoughts and emotions.

2.Some one who you find yourself thinking about all the time, the person who you are compleatly infatuated with. the one that you look for on your buddylist everytime you sign online. the one who has a heart next to their name in your phone book. the person that you find yourself completely head over heals for.

well... according to what the second one says especially... the words to that oasis song were right afterall... "you're my wonderwall"

New Beginnings....

so.... i've decided that i needed to start a new blog... i still have my old one... but i just don't feel like i can say everything that i need to there. i find myself becoming more and more general with everything i say. too many people knew about my other blog... and i dunno... i just felt the need to keep the things that i actually shared to a minimum. someday i might share this blog with people i know... but at least for now... i'm just going to keep it open to the general public... people who just happen along it... people who don't know me... and can't make any judgements based on what knowledge they already have of me.

this is something that i need to do... my first blog was great as a release.... when i needed to get things out... i just wrote... but i can't do that anymore... there are certain things that i just don't want some of those people to read. so here i am.... starting again... hoping that maybe this time i can get everything out there... so that i won't have it bottled up inside anymore... slowing poisoning me from the inside.

my life has been so messed up... and seems to just get more and more confusing everyday. things that should be easy are becoming more difficult... and i'm continuing to be haunted by the things from my past. whenever you think you're free from the past... it always seems to have away in creeping back in on you.

i've been having issues with friends, with my family, guy situations, school stuff, stress levels going crazy again, depression, loneliness, pain, spiritual issues, and so many other things that just seem to be getting out of my control more and more each day.

i feel so alone so much of the time... i know that it isn't true... god is always there... but even though that is true... it just isn't enough... it isn't the same. some of the people who claim they are great friends of mine i just don't know about.... she claims that she's always there for me... and that we can help each other through anything and everything.... and she says that she knows when something is wrong. in my opinion they're all lies. i've gotten pretty good at hiding whatever it is that i am feeling... i've had to do it for so long... that it's just a natural process for me... so it's not as easy as she thinks to know that something is wrong with me. obviously... things have been wrong for a long time.... and they just keep getting worse... but she thinks that things are perfectly fine... thinks that everything is great, and that i am happy. if i do try to open up... finally try to let her know what's wrong... she always cuts me off, and starts complaining about everything that's going wrong in her life at the time. it gets to me... i know that it shouldn't..... but it does... and it hurts... i try to let the pain come out... and it's almost like she just doesn't care... that she just doesn't notice... or that she's just too self consumed to care at all. she won't let me help her either... i try... i listen... and i try to give her adivce and comfort to make the pain in her life go away... or at least make it more bearable... but she won't listen. she just keeps giving up... keeps telling me how nobody cares and that she needs all this help but nobody is willing to give it to her. does she not even care that i'm doing everything that i can to help her? there we go... i'll just give you my heart and you can walk all over it... like you walk all over me... it would be so easy for me to give up on you... the way you've given up on me... and yourself... but i continue to stay here... just to get hurt even more. i don't even know what to say to her anymore.... she only ever wants to hear what she wants to... and if that isn't what she wants... than she doesn't want to hear anything at all. she's so set on this guy... and thinks that he's the only thing she has at all anymore... but the thing is... she doesn't actually have him. she just talks about him and thinks about him and obsesses over him... but she's too afraid to even talk to him. she expects so much... and wants so badly to be friends with so many people... and to be more thatn that with this guy... but she thinks that should just kind of happen... that friends just appear... and that you don't have to try to make them... that if you dont just automatically get them then you never will. but you have to talk to people... get to know them.... make friends... to have them... or have more... ahh

that's just one issue that i have... with only one person... mind you... it's probably one of the ones that has been the most prominantly bothering me lately. so many of the people i care about are hurting. the one i was just complaining about for instance... although i let her get to me... she is hurting... and i hate that. she struggles with a lot of stuff... but i just don't know how to help her. and then i have so many friends... that are hurting with broken hearts... always the heart that seems to hurt i guess. is it our most vunerable part or something? i have 3 people that are very close to me that are struggling with serious health issues. what worries me the most is that the doctors aren't sure what is actually wrong with 2 of them. things are always so messed up now... people are getting serious health problems at younger and younger ages... and it seems like as medicine advances... doctors get stupider.

i'm so confused about this guy.... and it seems like that situation is getting crazier and more confusing as each day continues. you see... this guy is one of my closest friends... one of the best people that i've ever known.... and he's been that way to me since we first became friends. but there's always been something more than that... because i've always liked him. the stronger our friendship gets, and the closer we become... the stronger those feelings have gotten. it's been about 2 and a half years that this has been going on... going on 3 years. but he started going out with somebody about 5 months after i met him... and i told him how i felt like.. 6 months after i met him... so my timing was kinda off. oh well.... that was a long time ago. but that has been there... kinda driving me nuts because he's always been out of my reach... no matter how strong the feelings are on my part... i never saw anything happening. the girl he was dating was also a friend of mine... the two of us had our differences over the years yes... but we were always friends... one of the main reasons that i knew i wouldn't ever have a chance with him... they were happy... and i was friends with both of them. well... that has all changed now... almost 3 months ago... they broke up, after just short of 2 years together. so here i am... in the middle... trying to be supportive for both of them... and growing in my friendship with her.... and surrounded by so much pain. now.... it's the closest i've been to having a chance... but at the same time.. i'm farther than ever. there's no chance that he would consider anything else right now... its still too soon... and if the opportunity did arise... i don't know if i could do anything about it anyway... because i don't think that i could ever hurt her like that. i feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.... my heart continues to long for him... but i couldn't break her heart even more. blah.... it isn't easy at all. i mean... in the middle of these past couple years... i've been in a couple of short lasted relationships... all of which when i look back now were mistakes... and i was very stupid about a couple of them.... but through them... i just realised the strength of my feelings for someone else were to strong for it to even work out in the first place.

there was only one person in the whole time... that i thought might someday end up being stronger... and that ended with the summer. you see.... there was this guy that i've known for quite some time... like 4 or 5 years... we had gone to camp together when we were younger... and i had liked him off and on since then... but never really thought anything of it... until we were working together this past summer. the off and on feelings that i had had over the past grew stronger... and halfway through the summer... i let him know how i felt... only to find out at around the same time... that when the summer was over in a month... he was going to be moving halfway across the country... and he knew that he couldn't start something so soon before he left... just to leave it in a month. so there we go... by heart that has already been slowly breaking... was suddenly ripped clearly in half.... part of it stayed with me... and the rest left with him when he moved. it still hurts... not as badly.... but the wounds are still there... and having that in the middle of everything else just seems to have made it all that much more confusing.

i do realise... that i have left so much out... there are so many things that i have left to mention.... but these were the things that were most prominant in my thoughts... and i've been picking away at this entry for a few days now... so i thought that i should just post. there'll be plenty more writings that will come from me... that will emerge from the dark place that i'm in... from the journey of trying to find a way out... but for now... here it is... a new step of the journey... a new beginning.