Empty...

i feel completely empty and broken inside.
i wouldn't even be able to count the number of tears that have left my eyes in even the last few days.... and so many more have fallen in the weeks leading up until now.
i feel like my heart was finally starting to recover a bit... and now it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown to the ground and walked all over. -sigh- i'm so tired of having this happen to me.
i wish that i could be happy for him... for them... but right now i feel as though i will never be able to be happy... not for them... not for anything.
i had been struggling about what to do with the whole ryan thing lately... i wanted to be able to tell him how i felt... because the feelinds have been there now for a few years and i can't seem to make them go away.... but i knew that it was just too soon. i didn't want it to get back to kris... because i knowthat she would be completely crushed... and over these last few months, kris and i have finally become close again. i didn't want to mess that up. besides... i still thought that it was too soon after kris and ryan had broken up for me to pursue anything with him anyway. well... it seems as though i have completely missed my chance yet again. because now ryan is with tracey. once again... my heart had betrayed me... and once again... my heart still feels for ryan... the one that i've loved the longest and the deepest... and the one that i will never have love me back the same way.
i want to be happy for them... i love tracey... she's my "auntie tracey"... but at the same time i love ryan... and it kills me to know that they are together. and it would be bad enough if their relationship was only hurting me... but it's killing kris as well. i hate that he hurt her by getting together with tracey... and i hate that it hurts me... and i hate it all. kris has confinded in me... and i understand her pain... i understand more than she could ever know.
as much as it hurts me i can't make my heart stop feeling for ryan... and i can't make my mind stop drifting to him... but i have to keep hiding it... no matter how hard it is for me.... he's so happy right now... and even though it hurts me.... i can't bear to cause him pain... he's been through enough.
you can't imagine how much i just want to be selfish... to say that i have loved him longer, that it should be my turn to be happy for once... but i can't.... nobody cares how long that i've loved him... and what makes me any more deserving of happiness than anyone else out there.
i just wish that i didn't hurt so bad.
i long for this pain to go away... but it seems that every night... the pain gets stronger. i feel sick thinking about it... i can feel my heart beat so strongly... it feels as though my heart is going to pound straight out of my chest... i can feel my heart like a lump in my throat... it just won't go away. i've tried to make it go away... i've tried everything that i could think of... and now i'm just left with the battle scars... physically and emotionally. i can't believe that there are any tears left for me to cry.
i hate it... i feel jealous... he is one of my best friends... he means everything to me... and now that he has tracey... i've been completely tossed aside... like i mean nothing to him anymore. we used to talk... about anything and everything... and now it's like he doesn't even have the time of day for me. in such a short time... it seems that he has changed so much... maye it is me that has really changed. maybe it is that we have both changed... whatever it is... i wish i could fix it.
i am alone... and even if i'm not.. i feel like i am. i feel alone, abandoned, completely in the dark.... i only want a way out... but the simple things are not helping me... i feel so empty.... so broken... so tired...
♪ i know it's hurting you but it's killing me ♪