so things have been going great... i haven't been happier than i have been in these past 3 months. well... until this past week. i don't know what has gotten into me... actually i do. i hate feeling like this though... feeling so alone and helpless and stupid. i hate why i feel this way... and i hate the people that have something to do with this. i'm so tired of feeling this way... i want it to stop. i keep trying to make it go away... to make the people go away... to make this pain go away.
i know that i'll never let the people who this is towards see this... but i need to write it down... say it... get it out... and this is the only place that i can do that.
i hate what you did to me
it's like everything you ever said to me were lies
i confided in you
you knew more about me than i knew myself
you told me that you'd always be there
and that i could always trust you
well where did that go
what happened to the friendship
to the caring
where are you now
where were you when i really needed you
what did i do to deserve this treatment
i didn't think i ever hurt you
and if i did
i am sorry
too bad you don't feel the same
and to think
i used to care what you thought
i wanted to know your opinions
i thought that somehow i mattered to you
but i guess i was just being foolish
naive
why did i pour out my heart to you
and think that you would hold on
to all of the little drops
that fell into your hands
i almost wish that i could take it all back
all the words i said to you
all of the tears i cried
all of the moments that i waited
and all of the memories i have of you
you have made me miserable
you said that you would never hurt me
but you should never make promises
that you can't keep
what does any of this matter though
it won't make any difference
you're happy now
i guess you weren't when i was around
i'm just sorry that i have to be in so much pain
and that i still have to care
when i don't think you ever did
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
So Happy!
okay... so i know that this is a total change from what i've been writing and from what i've been feeling lately... but that's beacuse something completely incredible happened.
i don't want to sound like i'm stupid or crazy or something... because i know that a lot of this blog has been me complaining about how much my heart has been hurting for ryan.... but my heart hasn't felt this good.. well i don't ever remember my heart feeling this good.
see.. i was talking to dusty last night.... and i was complaining how matt was trying to hook me up with some friend of his, jeremy... and how i didn't want matt ot do that beacuse i was interested in someone else. this of course sparked dusty's curiousity, and when i wouldn't tell him he told me that he would just have to be sad and wonder, and that i would just have to wonder too, because he wouldn't tell me who he liked. this of course drove me nuts as well... beacuse then i was curious. "curiousity killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back" came up... and he tried to convince me that by giving him the satisfaction of knowing who i was interested in would save a kitty. after we made more jokes about saving the kitty... we decided that if he told me who he liked... that i would tell him. so he told me that he likes me, and i didn't know what to say, because i wasn't really expecting that... because i like him. then he told me that he wanted to tell me the night before, but he didn't and when he came back online i had already left. so after it was out in the open that we liked each other he was like, so where do we go from here? will you go out with me? i guess that's the right question. my response, was yes... i will, definately!
so here i am... a day later... and still completely excited out of my mind. it was so incredible... it's like my heart became so full again, and the pain and bitterness that i had towards ryan were just swept completely away.
it's so amazing how God works... how his timing is always so perfect. i had been struggling with relationship stuff for a long time... and i kept trying different things to fix it... but nothing ever worked. i knew that in order for anything to be fixed, i had to let God take the wheel and take control of my heart completely. i struggled with this a lot and caused myself more pain then before. eventually, i broke down, and i gave it over to God, let him deal with my heart, because he knows better than i ever will what i need in my life. well... it wasn't very long after... few days, maybe a week... and then i talk to dusty about it... and no we are together. it almost makes me wish that i let God handle it a long time before... but then it just wouldn't have been the right time.
i can't describe how happy i am right now. it's so out of my character that i am this happy... but i love the way it feels.
i can see it in my eyes... the deep pain and hurt you could see in my eyes has been replaced with a sparkle of happiness... i really hope this lasts.
i don't want to sound like i'm stupid or crazy or something... because i know that a lot of this blog has been me complaining about how much my heart has been hurting for ryan.... but my heart hasn't felt this good.. well i don't ever remember my heart feeling this good.
see.. i was talking to dusty last night.... and i was complaining how matt was trying to hook me up with some friend of his, jeremy... and how i didn't want matt ot do that beacuse i was interested in someone else. this of course sparked dusty's curiousity, and when i wouldn't tell him he told me that he would just have to be sad and wonder, and that i would just have to wonder too, because he wouldn't tell me who he liked. this of course drove me nuts as well... beacuse then i was curious. "curiousity killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back" came up... and he tried to convince me that by giving him the satisfaction of knowing who i was interested in would save a kitty. after we made more jokes about saving the kitty... we decided that if he told me who he liked... that i would tell him. so he told me that he likes me, and i didn't know what to say, because i wasn't really expecting that... because i like him. then he told me that he wanted to tell me the night before, but he didn't and when he came back online i had already left. so after it was out in the open that we liked each other he was like, so where do we go from here? will you go out with me? i guess that's the right question. my response, was yes... i will, definately!
so here i am... a day later... and still completely excited out of my mind. it was so incredible... it's like my heart became so full again, and the pain and bitterness that i had towards ryan were just swept completely away.
it's so amazing how God works... how his timing is always so perfect. i had been struggling with relationship stuff for a long time... and i kept trying different things to fix it... but nothing ever worked. i knew that in order for anything to be fixed, i had to let God take the wheel and take control of my heart completely. i struggled with this a lot and caused myself more pain then before. eventually, i broke down, and i gave it over to God, let him deal with my heart, because he knows better than i ever will what i need in my life. well... it wasn't very long after... few days, maybe a week... and then i talk to dusty about it... and no we are together. it almost makes me wish that i let God handle it a long time before... but then it just wouldn't have been the right time.
i can't describe how happy i am right now. it's so out of my character that i am this happy... but i love the way it feels.
i can see it in my eyes... the deep pain and hurt you could see in my eyes has been replaced with a sparkle of happiness... i really hope this lasts.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Empty...
i feel completely empty and broken inside.
i wouldn't even be able to count the number of tears that have left my eyes in even the last few days.... and so many more have fallen in the weeks leading up until now.
i feel like my heart was finally starting to recover a bit... and now it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown to the ground and walked all over. -sigh- i'm so tired of having this happen to me.
i wish that i could be happy for him... for them... but right now i feel as though i will never be able to be happy... not for them... not for anything.
i had been struggling about what to do with the whole ryan thing lately... i wanted to be able to tell him how i felt... because the feelinds have been there now for a few years and i can't seem to make them go away.... but i knew that it was just too soon. i didn't want it to get back to kris... because i knowthat she would be completely crushed... and over these last few months, kris and i have finally become close again. i didn't want to mess that up. besides... i still thought that it was too soon after kris and ryan had broken up for me to pursue anything with him anyway. well... it seems as though i have completely missed my chance yet again. because now ryan is with tracey. once again... my heart had betrayed me... and once again... my heart still feels for ryan... the one that i've loved the longest and the deepest... and the one that i will never have love me back the same way.
i want to be happy for them... i love tracey... she's my "auntie tracey"... but at the same time i love ryan... and it kills me to know that they are together. and it would be bad enough if their relationship was only hurting me... but it's killing kris as well. i hate that he hurt her by getting together with tracey... and i hate that it hurts me... and i hate it all. kris has confinded in me... and i understand her pain... i understand more than she could ever know.
as much as it hurts me i can't make my heart stop feeling for ryan... and i can't make my mind stop drifting to him... but i have to keep hiding it... no matter how hard it is for me.... he's so happy right now... and even though it hurts me.... i can't bear to cause him pain... he's been through enough.
you can't imagine how much i just want to be selfish... to say that i have loved him longer, that it should be my turn to be happy for once... but i can't.... nobody cares how long that i've loved him... and what makes me any more deserving of happiness than anyone else out there.
i just wish that i didn't hurt so bad.
i long for this pain to go away... but it seems that every night... the pain gets stronger. i feel sick thinking about it... i can feel my heart beat so strongly... it feels as though my heart is going to pound straight out of my chest... i can feel my heart like a lump in my throat... it just won't go away. i've tried to make it go away... i've tried everything that i could think of... and now i'm just left with the battle scars... physically and emotionally. i can't believe that there are any tears left for me to cry.
i hate it... i feel jealous... he is one of my best friends... he means everything to me... and now that he has tracey... i've been completely tossed aside... like i mean nothing to him anymore. we used to talk... about anything and everything... and now it's like he doesn't even have the time of day for me. in such a short time... it seems that he has changed so much... maye it is me that has really changed. maybe it is that we have both changed... whatever it is... i wish i could fix it.
i am alone... and even if i'm not.. i feel like i am. i feel alone, abandoned, completely in the dark.... i only want a way out... but the simple things are not helping me... i feel so empty.... so broken... so tired...
♪ i know it's hurting you but it's killing me ♪
i wouldn't even be able to count the number of tears that have left my eyes in even the last few days.... and so many more have fallen in the weeks leading up until now.
i feel like my heart was finally starting to recover a bit... and now it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown to the ground and walked all over. -sigh- i'm so tired of having this happen to me.
i wish that i could be happy for him... for them... but right now i feel as though i will never be able to be happy... not for them... not for anything.
i had been struggling about what to do with the whole ryan thing lately... i wanted to be able to tell him how i felt... because the feelinds have been there now for a few years and i can't seem to make them go away.... but i knew that it was just too soon. i didn't want it to get back to kris... because i knowthat she would be completely crushed... and over these last few months, kris and i have finally become close again. i didn't want to mess that up. besides... i still thought that it was too soon after kris and ryan had broken up for me to pursue anything with him anyway. well... it seems as though i have completely missed my chance yet again. because now ryan is with tracey. once again... my heart had betrayed me... and once again... my heart still feels for ryan... the one that i've loved the longest and the deepest... and the one that i will never have love me back the same way.
i want to be happy for them... i love tracey... she's my "auntie tracey"... but at the same time i love ryan... and it kills me to know that they are together. and it would be bad enough if their relationship was only hurting me... but it's killing kris as well. i hate that he hurt her by getting together with tracey... and i hate that it hurts me... and i hate it all. kris has confinded in me... and i understand her pain... i understand more than she could ever know.
as much as it hurts me i can't make my heart stop feeling for ryan... and i can't make my mind stop drifting to him... but i have to keep hiding it... no matter how hard it is for me.... he's so happy right now... and even though it hurts me.... i can't bear to cause him pain... he's been through enough.
you can't imagine how much i just want to be selfish... to say that i have loved him longer, that it should be my turn to be happy for once... but i can't.... nobody cares how long that i've loved him... and what makes me any more deserving of happiness than anyone else out there.
i just wish that i didn't hurt so bad.
i long for this pain to go away... but it seems that every night... the pain gets stronger. i feel sick thinking about it... i can feel my heart beat so strongly... it feels as though my heart is going to pound straight out of my chest... i can feel my heart like a lump in my throat... it just won't go away. i've tried to make it go away... i've tried everything that i could think of... and now i'm just left with the battle scars... physically and emotionally. i can't believe that there are any tears left for me to cry.
i hate it... i feel jealous... he is one of my best friends... he means everything to me... and now that he has tracey... i've been completely tossed aside... like i mean nothing to him anymore. we used to talk... about anything and everything... and now it's like he doesn't even have the time of day for me. in such a short time... it seems that he has changed so much... maye it is me that has really changed. maybe it is that we have both changed... whatever it is... i wish i could fix it.
i am alone... and even if i'm not.. i feel like i am. i feel alone, abandoned, completely in the dark.... i only want a way out... but the simple things are not helping me... i feel so empty.... so broken... so tired...
♪ i know it's hurting you but it's killing me ♪
Monday, January 02, 2006
A New Year
so... i was hoping this being a new year and all... that it would be better... so far.... i am wrong. and it's only 2 days in so far.
well... tomorrow is going to suck.... it will be exactly a year tomorrow since a good friend of mine was killed. i miss her a lot... and going back to school on that day... just isn't going to be easy.
lets see.... the guy that i've been in love with for like... 2 and a half to 3 years... i was planning on telling him this year... and then i found out that a friend of mine i likes someone... and the way she talks about him all the time... i'm pretty sure that we both like the same person. blah. i don't know what to do. as if the whole thing wasn't hard enough for me... but then this other girl gets thrown into the mix too. i mean... i've loved him a long time... shouldn't i be the one to get the chance to do something about it first?.... but she seems happy liking him... and she deserves to be happy too.... i mean... what makes me more worthy of being happy? blah. i just want to be happy... and i dunno... i'm tired of waiting for happiness.. and for him.... i don't want to be lonely anymore. i mean... i also don't want to mess things up... he's my best and closest friend.
why oh why does everything have to be so complicated?
well... tomorrow is going to suck.... it will be exactly a year tomorrow since a good friend of mine was killed. i miss her a lot... and going back to school on that day... just isn't going to be easy.
lets see.... the guy that i've been in love with for like... 2 and a half to 3 years... i was planning on telling him this year... and then i found out that a friend of mine i likes someone... and the way she talks about him all the time... i'm pretty sure that we both like the same person. blah. i don't know what to do. as if the whole thing wasn't hard enough for me... but then this other girl gets thrown into the mix too. i mean... i've loved him a long time... shouldn't i be the one to get the chance to do something about it first?.... but she seems happy liking him... and she deserves to be happy too.... i mean... what makes me more worthy of being happy? blah. i just want to be happy... and i dunno... i'm tired of waiting for happiness.. and for him.... i don't want to be lonely anymore. i mean... i also don't want to mess things up... he's my best and closest friend.
why oh why does everything have to be so complicated?
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