So Happy!

okay... so i know that this is a total change from what i've been writing and from what i've been feeling lately... but that's beacuse something completely incredible happened.
i don't want to sound like i'm stupid or crazy or something... because i know that a lot of this blog has been me complaining about how much my heart has been hurting for ryan.... but my heart hasn't felt this good.. well i don't ever remember my heart feeling this good.
see.. i was talking to dusty last night.... and i was complaining how matt was trying to hook me up with some friend of his, jeremy... and how i didn't want matt ot do that beacuse i was interested in someone else. this of course sparked dusty's curiousity, and when i wouldn't tell him he told me that he would just have to be sad and wonder, and that i would just have to wonder too, because he wouldn't tell me who he liked. this of course drove me nuts as well... beacuse then i was curious. "curiousity killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back" came up... and he tried to convince me that by giving him the satisfaction of knowing who i was interested in would save a kitty. after we made more jokes about saving the kitty... we decided that if he told me who he liked... that i would tell him. so he told me that he likes me, and i didn't know what to say, because i wasn't really expecting that... because i like him. then he told me that he wanted to tell me the night before, but he didn't and when he came back online i had already left. so after it was out in the open that we liked each other he was like, so where do we go from here? will you go out with me? i guess that's the right question. my response, was yes... i will, definately!
so here i am... a day later... and still completely excited out of my mind. it was so incredible... it's like my heart became so full again, and the pain and bitterness that i had towards ryan were just swept completely away.
it's so amazing how God works... how his timing is always so perfect. i had been struggling with relationship stuff for a long time... and i kept trying different things to fix it... but nothing ever worked. i knew that in order for anything to be fixed, i had to let God take the wheel and take control of my heart completely. i struggled with this a lot and caused myself more pain then before. eventually, i broke down, and i gave it over to God, let him deal with my heart, because he knows better than i ever will what i need in my life. well... it wasn't very long after... few days, maybe a week... and then i talk to dusty about it... and no we are together. it almost makes me wish that i let God handle it a long time before... but then it just wouldn't have been the right time.
i can't describe how happy i am right now. it's so out of my character that i am this happy... but i love the way it feels.
i can see it in my eyes... the deep pain and hurt you could see in my eyes has been replaced with a sparkle of happiness... i really hope this lasts.

Empty...

i feel completely empty and broken inside.
i wouldn't even be able to count the number of tears that have left my eyes in even the last few days.... and so many more have fallen in the weeks leading up until now.
i feel like my heart was finally starting to recover a bit... and now it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown to the ground and walked all over. -sigh- i'm so tired of having this happen to me.
i wish that i could be happy for him... for them... but right now i feel as though i will never be able to be happy... not for them... not for anything.
i had been struggling about what to do with the whole ryan thing lately... i wanted to be able to tell him how i felt... because the feelinds have been there now for a few years and i can't seem to make them go away.... but i knew that it was just too soon. i didn't want it to get back to kris... because i knowthat she would be completely crushed... and over these last few months, kris and i have finally become close again. i didn't want to mess that up. besides... i still thought that it was too soon after kris and ryan had broken up for me to pursue anything with him anyway. well... it seems as though i have completely missed my chance yet again. because now ryan is with tracey. once again... my heart had betrayed me... and once again... my heart still feels for ryan... the one that i've loved the longest and the deepest... and the one that i will never have love me back the same way.
i want to be happy for them... i love tracey... she's my "auntie tracey"... but at the same time i love ryan... and it kills me to know that they are together. and it would be bad enough if their relationship was only hurting me... but it's killing kris as well. i hate that he hurt her by getting together with tracey... and i hate that it hurts me... and i hate it all. kris has confinded in me... and i understand her pain... i understand more than she could ever know.
as much as it hurts me i can't make my heart stop feeling for ryan... and i can't make my mind stop drifting to him... but i have to keep hiding it... no matter how hard it is for me.... he's so happy right now... and even though it hurts me.... i can't bear to cause him pain... he's been through enough.
you can't imagine how much i just want to be selfish... to say that i have loved him longer, that it should be my turn to be happy for once... but i can't.... nobody cares how long that i've loved him... and what makes me any more deserving of happiness than anyone else out there.
i just wish that i didn't hurt so bad.
i long for this pain to go away... but it seems that every night... the pain gets stronger. i feel sick thinking about it... i can feel my heart beat so strongly... it feels as though my heart is going to pound straight out of my chest... i can feel my heart like a lump in my throat... it just won't go away. i've tried to make it go away... i've tried everything that i could think of... and now i'm just left with the battle scars... physically and emotionally. i can't believe that there are any tears left for me to cry.
i hate it... i feel jealous... he is one of my best friends... he means everything to me... and now that he has tracey... i've been completely tossed aside... like i mean nothing to him anymore. we used to talk... about anything and everything... and now it's like he doesn't even have the time of day for me. in such a short time... it seems that he has changed so much... maye it is me that has really changed. maybe it is that we have both changed... whatever it is... i wish i could fix it.
i am alone... and even if i'm not.. i feel like i am. i feel alone, abandoned, completely in the dark.... i only want a way out... but the simple things are not helping me... i feel so empty.... so broken... so tired...
♪ i know it's hurting you but it's killing me ♪