New Beginnings....

so.... i've decided that i needed to start a new blog... i still have my old one... but i just don't feel like i can say everything that i need to there. i find myself becoming more and more general with everything i say. too many people knew about my other blog... and i dunno... i just felt the need to keep the things that i actually shared to a minimum. someday i might share this blog with people i know... but at least for now... i'm just going to keep it open to the general public... people who just happen along it... people who don't know me... and can't make any judgements based on what knowledge they already have of me.

this is something that i need to do... my first blog was great as a release.... when i needed to get things out... i just wrote... but i can't do that anymore... there are certain things that i just don't want some of those people to read. so here i am.... starting again... hoping that maybe this time i can get everything out there... so that i won't have it bottled up inside anymore... slowing poisoning me from the inside.

my life has been so messed up... and seems to just get more and more confusing everyday. things that should be easy are becoming more difficult... and i'm continuing to be haunted by the things from my past. whenever you think you're free from the past... it always seems to have away in creeping back in on you.

i've been having issues with friends, with my family, guy situations, school stuff, stress levels going crazy again, depression, loneliness, pain, spiritual issues, and so many other things that just seem to be getting out of my control more and more each day.

i feel so alone so much of the time... i know that it isn't true... god is always there... but even though that is true... it just isn't enough... it isn't the same. some of the people who claim they are great friends of mine i just don't know about.... she claims that she's always there for me... and that we can help each other through anything and everything.... and she says that she knows when something is wrong. in my opinion they're all lies. i've gotten pretty good at hiding whatever it is that i am feeling... i've had to do it for so long... that it's just a natural process for me... so it's not as easy as she thinks to know that something is wrong with me. obviously... things have been wrong for a long time.... and they just keep getting worse... but she thinks that things are perfectly fine... thinks that everything is great, and that i am happy. if i do try to open up... finally try to let her know what's wrong... she always cuts me off, and starts complaining about everything that's going wrong in her life at the time. it gets to me... i know that it shouldn't..... but it does... and it hurts... i try to let the pain come out... and it's almost like she just doesn't care... that she just doesn't notice... or that she's just too self consumed to care at all. she won't let me help her either... i try... i listen... and i try to give her adivce and comfort to make the pain in her life go away... or at least make it more bearable... but she won't listen. she just keeps giving up... keeps telling me how nobody cares and that she needs all this help but nobody is willing to give it to her. does she not even care that i'm doing everything that i can to help her? there we go... i'll just give you my heart and you can walk all over it... like you walk all over me... it would be so easy for me to give up on you... the way you've given up on me... and yourself... but i continue to stay here... just to get hurt even more. i don't even know what to say to her anymore.... she only ever wants to hear what she wants to... and if that isn't what she wants... than she doesn't want to hear anything at all. she's so set on this guy... and thinks that he's the only thing she has at all anymore... but the thing is... she doesn't actually have him. she just talks about him and thinks about him and obsesses over him... but she's too afraid to even talk to him. she expects so much... and wants so badly to be friends with so many people... and to be more thatn that with this guy... but she thinks that should just kind of happen... that friends just appear... and that you don't have to try to make them... that if you dont just automatically get them then you never will. but you have to talk to people... get to know them.... make friends... to have them... or have more... ahh

that's just one issue that i have... with only one person... mind you... it's probably one of the ones that has been the most prominantly bothering me lately. so many of the people i care about are hurting. the one i was just complaining about for instance... although i let her get to me... she is hurting... and i hate that. she struggles with a lot of stuff... but i just don't know how to help her. and then i have so many friends... that are hurting with broken hearts... always the heart that seems to hurt i guess. is it our most vunerable part or something? i have 3 people that are very close to me that are struggling with serious health issues. what worries me the most is that the doctors aren't sure what is actually wrong with 2 of them. things are always so messed up now... people are getting serious health problems at younger and younger ages... and it seems like as medicine advances... doctors get stupider.

i'm so confused about this guy.... and it seems like that situation is getting crazier and more confusing as each day continues. you see... this guy is one of my closest friends... one of the best people that i've ever known.... and he's been that way to me since we first became friends. but there's always been something more than that... because i've always liked him. the stronger our friendship gets, and the closer we become... the stronger those feelings have gotten. it's been about 2 and a half years that this has been going on... going on 3 years. but he started going out with somebody about 5 months after i met him... and i told him how i felt like.. 6 months after i met him... so my timing was kinda off. oh well.... that was a long time ago. but that has been there... kinda driving me nuts because he's always been out of my reach... no matter how strong the feelings are on my part... i never saw anything happening. the girl he was dating was also a friend of mine... the two of us had our differences over the years yes... but we were always friends... one of the main reasons that i knew i wouldn't ever have a chance with him... they were happy... and i was friends with both of them. well... that has all changed now... almost 3 months ago... they broke up, after just short of 2 years together. so here i am... in the middle... trying to be supportive for both of them... and growing in my friendship with her.... and surrounded by so much pain. now.... it's the closest i've been to having a chance... but at the same time.. i'm farther than ever. there's no chance that he would consider anything else right now... its still too soon... and if the opportunity did arise... i don't know if i could do anything about it anyway... because i don't think that i could ever hurt her like that. i feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.... my heart continues to long for him... but i couldn't break her heart even more. blah.... it isn't easy at all. i mean... in the middle of these past couple years... i've been in a couple of short lasted relationships... all of which when i look back now were mistakes... and i was very stupid about a couple of them.... but through them... i just realised the strength of my feelings for someone else were to strong for it to even work out in the first place.

there was only one person in the whole time... that i thought might someday end up being stronger... and that ended with the summer. you see.... there was this guy that i've known for quite some time... like 4 or 5 years... we had gone to camp together when we were younger... and i had liked him off and on since then... but never really thought anything of it... until we were working together this past summer. the off and on feelings that i had had over the past grew stronger... and halfway through the summer... i let him know how i felt... only to find out at around the same time... that when the summer was over in a month... he was going to be moving halfway across the country... and he knew that he couldn't start something so soon before he left... just to leave it in a month. so there we go... by heart that has already been slowly breaking... was suddenly ripped clearly in half.... part of it stayed with me... and the rest left with him when he moved. it still hurts... not as badly.... but the wounds are still there... and having that in the middle of everything else just seems to have made it all that much more confusing.

i do realise... that i have left so much out... there are so many things that i have left to mention.... but these were the things that were most prominant in my thoughts... and i've been picking away at this entry for a few days now... so i thought that i should just post. there'll be plenty more writings that will come from me... that will emerge from the dark place that i'm in... from the journey of trying to find a way out... but for now... here it is... a new step of the journey... a new beginning.